Finding Your Perfect Mistress

Many men start exploring male chastity solo, picking out a cage they like and trying it out without anyone else knowing. Sometimes it’s a secret, sometimes they’re single (and can do what they like), and sometimes they aren’t sure how to broach the topic with their partner.

A Mistress isn’t required to explore male chastity… but it certainly makes it more exciting!

Finding a Mistress can be challenging though. We touched a little on the various kinds of keyholders in a previous article, but actually becoming a Mistress is a little different to just looking after the keys.

So where exactly do you start when you’re trying to find your next dominant?

What Kind of Slave Are You?

Before you put yourself on the market to find your next Mistress, it’s important to reflect on your own situation. This will help to guide you in your decisions.

Some key things to consider are:

Your Relationship Status

Being single gives you the most options, as you can engage the services of any kind of Mistress you want.

Being in a relationship is the opposite end of the scale, as most women won’t want you to have another woman in charge of your penis. If your partner doesn’t want to be your Mistress, you may be out of luck…

You should also consider your future relationship status. If you’re looking for a new girlfriend, male chastity could be a massive turn off for some women.

Your Lifestyle

Personal circumstances can also have a huge impact on the kind of chastity relationships available to you. Where you live naturally restricts the people who are physically nearby, but plenty of other factors can change the kind of Mistress you’re looking for.

Working in different countries regularly can pose a problem for some Mistresses, as you may have to take a spare key with you which can drastically change the dynamic.

Your fitness level can make some activities more or less possible, which can mean that some Mistresses won’t want to work with you.

Even something seemingly simple like how often you go out with friends can completely change the way you approach chastity, so think about your own life and figure out what parts will clash against a potential Mistress, and which parts will work alongside her. And, are you willing to change things?

Your Experience With Chastity

The number of willing slaves is vastly larger than the number of willing Mistresses, so they can afford to be choosy.

Some Mistresses might not want to take on a complete beginner, while others might seek them out.

Honesty is crucial here, as an experienced dominant is quickly going to figure out if you’ve been lying about your own experience.

Your Fetishes and Desires

Lastly, think about the kinds of things you want to get out of a chastity relationship. Is pegging important to you? Do you want to be dominated financially? Are you willing to be publicly humiliated.

Often these kinds of things become “red lines” in a chastity contract (things that are off the table no matter what), so if something that is very important to you is a red line to a potential Mistress, then you obviously aren’t going to work well together.

Paint a Picture of Your Ideal Chastity Relationship

By now you should be forming a bit of a picture of how chastity will slot into your life, and the kind of role a potential Mistress will take in it.

With this picture, you can start to refine your choices. For example, if you imagine 24/7, permanent submission, then a temporary arrangement with a professional dominatrix isn’t going to do it for you.

There’s a few different kinds of Mistress, and at this point in the process you’ll usually know which of these you’re looking for:

• Partner – A wife/girlfriend/long term partner who takes on the Mistress role in an existing relationship.
• Friend – Although rarer, sometimes a close friend can take on the Mistress role for you. This can involve sexual elements, or be completely platonic.
• BDSM Community Member – Halfway between a partner and a professional, these are Mistresses who take part in their local BDSM scene and may take on multiple submissives to satisfy their domination fetish.
• Professional – A Mistress who charges for her services. The availability of these kinds of services will depend a lot on where you live.
• Long-Distance/Online – Online and long distance Mistresses can fall into any of the categories above, but without being physically near you.

Once you know what kind of Mistress you’re looking for, all that’s left is to find her!

Actually Finding Your Perfect Mistress

Some kinds of Mistress will naturally be easier to find than others. If you’re looking for an in person dominant who’s specifically interested in pegging, watersports and bondage within 5 miles of your home and will eventually become your wife, you’re obviously going to have more trouble than someone looking for a once a week session with a professional dominant.

Accept right now that you might not find exactly what you’re looking for. Chastity is a two person fetish after all.

Finding an Online Mistress

First (and perhaps the easiest) is the online Mistress. There are countless websites, forums, reddit communities and discord groups where you can find women who like to be in charge.

Often it’s as simple as sending them a message and working things out with them directly.

Sometimes you’ll need to put in a bit more effort chatting and getting to know people. But the most important thing is to get out there and start!

We’d recommend both Fetlife and Chastity Mansion to start seeking out this kind of Mistress.

Finding a Professional Mistress

Professional Mistresses can also be quite easy to find, providing you live in the right place or are willing to travel.

Those of you in a big city will have the easiest time. These places tend to have larger BDSM communities, so finding someone locally is much more likely. Word of mouth can be important, so making friends with other kinksters can lead you in the right direction to the Mistress you want.

But you can also find professional dominants online. A simple google search can provide plenty of options, as can Fetlife. Most professionals will lay out the kinds of services they offer, what you can expect from them, what they’ll expect from you, and perhaps most importantly, the cost.

Then it’s a simple matter of contacting them and getting started.

Finding a Mistress in Your Bdsm Community

Searching for this kind of Mistress can often be the most difficult of them all, as it’s highly dependent on your local BDSM scene. You also need to be willing to actually head out to their meet-ups, and start getting to know people.

Usually called “munches” or “play-parties”, BDSM meetups can vary wildly from place to place or even from night to night.

But even if you can’t find any “chastity play-parties” in your local area, that doesn’t mean you should give up straight away. Male chastity crosses over with so many other fetishes, and attending a night of “pegging play” or “wife-swapping” could lead to meeting others who are also interested in male chastity.

From there you can start to build your relationship, and eventually find the Mistress you’re looking for.

As always, fetlife is a great place to find local meetups, but simply googling “BDSM events near me” can provide lots of directories for you to start browsing.

Finding a Friend to Be Your Mistress

It might be unexpected, but finding a “friend Mistress” can often be the easiest of them all. You already know who your friends are, so there’s no meeting new people. You already have an established relationship. And there’s no expectations of things progressing into a full relationship.

The difficult part is choosing the right friend, and how to ask them…

Figuring this out will depend a lot on your own personality, and that of your friends. If you already know a woman who you openly discuss sexual topics with, then it could be as simple as just bringing it up.

Usually you’ll have to do a little more work. Most of the time you’ll have better luck with women who like to take charge of situations than those who are shy and quiet, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes the quiet ones are the kinkiest of all.

If you’re not afraid of a little humiliation, then just going for it with the most likely friend could be your best approach. Even if they aren’t up for it, they’ll probably tell their friends, and one of them might be.

Make it clear from the outset whether or not there’s any sexual component, or if it’s other kinds of domination you’re looking for. Most of the time you’ll have better luck without the sexual component.

But ultimately, be prepared to lose some friends if you go down this route. Revealing something like male chastity to a friend who doesn’t gel with it can completely change the dynamic between you, or even ruin it entirely.

There’s so much to talk about here, so check out our page dedicated to friend keyholders if you want to go down this route.

Finding a Partner Mistress

Lastly, let’s talk about relationships. This is definitely the hardest of them all, but also the most rewarding. Once you find the right Mistress, you could stick with them forever.

Ironically, finding this kind of Mistress can be much easier if you’re single. If you’re already in a relationship, you’ve basically got one shot. If they say no, you have to respect that decision, or find a new partner.

We really do mean respect their decision here. Bringing it up over and over again after they’ve said no is just going to cause issues. So make sure you do your research, approach them at a good time, and give them some resources they can look at themselves before they make a decision.

For the single men, it’s much simpler. If you’re starting to date someone, you can just bring up male chastity early on. Either they’re interested, or they’re not, and if not you can move on without spending a lot of time on the relationship.

It’s also much easier to find women with similar interests if you attend local BDSM events. What starts as a simple domination relationship could turn into a full relationship over time.

Start Your Mistress Search Now

I know we’ve made it sound like it can be difficult and take a lot of effort to find your ideal Mistress, but it’s worth it. Partnered play can add a whole new dimension to your pledge, and make chastity even more rewarding.